Honey and I always said, the initial "falling in love" is very easy. How to convert love to relationship is hard. "Fall" is a passive word, you don't need any effort to fall in love. But the truth is, you wont fall forever. You need to pick it up, put a lot of effort into it if two persons want to "stay in love". The efforts include a lot of things. Sometimes, it may even mean changing yourself.
Change yourself? Like not being able to be yourself anymore because of her?
Is it worth it? Does it worth to lose yourself for someone else?
I guess you need to ask a question, "Can I bear to live my life without her?"
Before you answer this question, let's make sure we are not being naive or childish first. We need to be realistic. You cannot say, " I want her, but I don't want to change myself!"
Let me give you a metaphor. When you walk into Gucci, you see the purse you dreamt for so long. Of coz, it's very pricey that all your saving in the bank is not enough. But you want it soooo much, so you ask the sales person if she can sell it to you with saving you have. The sales person said, "sorry about this. Unfortunately, if you want the purse, you need to pay full price." Then you said to her," It's so unfair, I gave you everything I have, how come I still can't have the purse!!!"...As I write this, can you see the resemblance?
Relationship is a very expensive purse. You can choose to live without it. But if you want it so badly, you need to pay the price. Sometimes the price is so big you cannot afford it at all. So what can you do? You can try your best to earn more money until you can afford the purse.
The good thing about relationship is, unlike the purse that you have to pay the price at once, it allow you to do instalments. You can get into the relationship first and then earn your money, as long as you give interest. What does the interest stand for here? It's the promise you give your partner that you are willing to change and make the relationship work. You may be excuse for one or two payments, or forget to pay interest a few times. However, if you keep missing the payments, you will not be trusted anymore. You will be kick out from the relationship.
Dont be a kid! There is no way you can keep the relationship without putting effort into it. And sometimes, your all is just not enough. You got to understand the conversion! If your 100% is only her 60%, then maybe you need to work harder, or just accept she is too much for you. You can choose to give up. but what is next? Try a cheaper purse.
In fact, I like high standard relationship. It makes you to be a better person. Like an expensive purse force you to make more money!
I, myself, have not much patience. I don't like long term instalments, unless you have a huge down payment so that I can make sure I don't need to wait too long. My last relationship start with 20% down payment, it took almost 4 years to pay up to another 30% and I am not sure the payment will be proportional to the time I invested. It's destined to fail. So I learnt, I made sure the next relationship I find has good potential of full payment. And she has not disappointed me. We are almost 4 years now, our relationship is 90% up to target. There are still some little things I will still get upset about. But I know, she is a very good learner and mostly important, she cares about how I feel.
Using last night as an example. Honey and I went to have dinner with our friends. The seating arrangement was kinda weird. I was seated opposite of my honey at first. Later I chat with one of a friend next to me. Honey saw I was okay, she went to talk with another friend whom seated at the end of the table alone. When the food came, honey was too involved in her conversation and didn't go back to her seat next to me. Our friends who were seating opposite me saw her chatting and I was sitting quietly, they took care of me by helping me with the food which was supposed to be my honey's responsibility.
Since the moment the food came, I began to feel upset. Don't take it the wrong way that I might be jealous that she talk to another girl. Jealousy is something that almost never across my mind. I just think honey should have pay attention if the food came, and sitting back next to me, so that she will be the one who's taking care of me, not other friends. She made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't talk to her for the whole night. I needed her to do something that make me feel she is someone different from the rest of the table. She is my partner. Why should I be talking care by someone other than her?
So, whose fault is it? Me? Am I too sensitive? You think I should be able to take care myself? There's nothing wrong with talking or hanging out with a friend, right?...for those who think that, you miss the point.
It's not about the friend. It's not about whether I was able to eat with or without her. It's not about if I doubt she loves me or not. I always know she loves me, or I wouldn't be with her at all, right? It's about she didn't know how to manage her time and attention, and make me feel secure, comfortable and special. I'm supposed to be the most important person to her. I am her only priority, not anyone else, not even herself. She need to make me feel that way. Once this part is satisfied, she can do whatever she want. It sounds unreasonable but that's the truth. Making your partner feel comfortable and feel like she mattered is the glue that holds a relationship together.
During the dinner, she kept apologizing to me. We talked about this after we left the restaurant. Before I told her why, she already know why I was upset. She understood that she should stop the conversation when she saw me stopped chatting. she knew she should return to her seat when the food came. She felt very sorry that I couldn't enjoy the dinner because of her...
See? Relationships are not able fair, it's about making your partner feel loved and comfortable. Fairness still apply but in a broader view. If I told you further back the day before we headed out for dinner, I did house work for the entire day while honey lay sleeping on the couch. Do you think that's unfair? I don't. I love her. If she doesn't like to do housework, I will take care all of them. Being lazy on housework is a flaw. When I do the housework for her to free her of the burden, that's my way of showing her I love her. And being insecure and very delicate on feelings are part of my flaw. When she consider my feelings first before anything else in any situation is her way of showing me she loves me.
When you feel you cannot live without her, you need to give her reasons that she should stay with you. You can't expect she would stay just by repeating "I love you's." Love is a thesis, reasons that you gave her to stay with you are the arguments. A thesis without arguments is empty claim.
So, work on your arguments. Be mature about it. Don't keep saying "I did this already, I did that already..." Be the bigger person. Love her in the way she needs, not the way you want her to. Don't just defence your own position. Let go of yours, focus on her. If you can do that, she will do the same way to you.
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